Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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