i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
