thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
