i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
