Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
