Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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