the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
