Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
