I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
