forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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