Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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