Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i out mim tonsoeep
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