happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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