I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
