I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
