At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
