i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
