I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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