we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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