how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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