If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
