Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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