I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
