Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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