u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
