It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
