You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
