i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
