its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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