I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
