you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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