she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
