She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
