I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
