So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
