i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
