My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
