Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
