I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
