connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
