So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Still dying that you shit outside
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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