I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
