I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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