Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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