i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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