At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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