U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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