Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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