oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
