2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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