i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
